Reviews// Dead to Rights: Retribtution

A game with a dog in it. A hard-drinking cop and a dog. A sequel as well. A game that moves gently from the laughably mediocre to the sigh-inducing bad with the elegance of a hard-drinking cop drinking hard.

Right, let's get through this. Plot:

Jack Slate (sigh) is a hard drinking and cynical cop (yes, the badge and the gun are given away early to the inept senior officer). He has a dog called Shadow. Both are as psychotic and uncharismatic as the other thus proving the adage true that owners take on their pets' characteristics; or the other way around.

There is a conspiracy in the grimy, dark and no doubt mean streets of Grant City. Jack and Shadow, sans badge, gun and chew-toy, have to get to the bottom of it. It involves baddies, hundreds of them, all of whom appear to have been belched into the world from the very, very expansive vagina of two (three at most) mothers. Yes, fighting your way to the root (or roof) of the conspiracy is much like battling your way through a heavily armed orphanage packed with identical quadruplets.

Before I go on: Batman: Arkham Asylum and Splinter Cell Conviction. There, I feel better now – and so will you if you play those shining examples of stealth fighting games, rather than Dead to Rights: Retribution.

This is quite simply a bad game. From the jerky motion, dull palette, predictably unimaginative foul language (see Malcolm Tucker or Jamie McDonald if you want imaginative foul language), through the abjectly derivative cover system, inglorious plotting and zero-interest audio to the... hold on, some of the AI opposition isn't execrable it can make use of cover and dropped weapons... to the formidably thick dog, this is one of those games that should have been a project made by first year game development students at a recently created off-shore (e.g. just off Canvey Island) university, before the course was closed down. I forgot to mention the inexcusably awful camera control.

Certainly, that preceding paragraph should have been the concluding one but why make the readers wait?

So, the dog. Shadow. The gimmick, the psycho Scrappy Doo of videogames. The hook. There are some occasions in which you get to play as Shadow. For the super-adolescent among you – the kind of kids who don't see much wrong with YouTube-ing video footage of your under-aged girlfriend, drunk and blowing you and your mates – the idea of controlling Cujo in-game and making the mutt rip people's throats out will hold immense appeal. Good luck to you, you'll be dead of a Jackass/Dirty Sanchez misadventure in months anyway. For the gamers among you, when playing as Shadow bear in mind that he has a great deal of trouble braking but he can jump from distance and do the throat-tearing thing until the day is done.

When not actually playing as Shadow you can still use him to Jack Slate's advantage. In this mode, Shadow is an alert, smart, NPC able to assess threats, move around the in-game environment with elegance and pin-sharp accuracy. It's almost as if he's aware of your gaming needs.

I am joking. It's a way of attempting to inject at least some humour in this overarchingly humourless gaming experience. The dog is a mongrel when it comes to being in any way purely helpful at helping Jack.

I imagine I'm supposed to say that it was a valiant effort to do something innovative. It wasn't. It's a sequel.

Frankly, after playing this game I went back to last year's Wolfenstein for some class, and to last year's Alone in the Dark for subtle atmosphere.

Conclusion: If someone gifts you this game, never see them again. Some of the AI enemies are not annoying.

SPOnG Score: 30%