Reviews// Condemned (Xbox 360)

After a whole day of having a game-less 360 console sitting pretty much redundant in the SPOnG office - offering nothing in the way of entertainment aside from an ultra shiny menu system to play around with - we were finally treated to our first slice of next-gen pie with the arrival of Monolith’s cherry-topped yet rather stomach-churning first-person adventure, Condemned.

Needless to say, as those first hi-def splash screens were being thrown up (that’s right: hi-def - we’re big boys now) you could have cut the atmosphere around here with a cricket stump. So what’s the verdict?, you must surely be asking, as the prospect of shelling out nigh on four-hundred sheets tomorrow is already giving you a taste of ‘shopper’s guilt’. Well, first impressions, it’s pretty damn nice! Now apologies to any English teachers that may be reading this, but, after a lengthy (if somewhat lager-assisted) post-gaming dissection of the game’s qualities, ‘nice’ honestly did appear to be the most appropriate adjective with which to sum up the game. ‘Pretty’ also works well, as does ‘shiny’, ‘scary’, ‘gruesome’ and, moving on to onomatopoeias now, ‘thwack’, ‘crunch’, ‘thud’ and ‘pang!!!’ (yes, you can actually twat people with shovels), but more on this later.

Not having a great deal to shout about with regards to any kind of originality, the concept behind Condemned sees you taking on the role of FBI agent Ethan Thomas who, while investigating a growing list of serial killings, finds himself face to face with a rather unsavoury underworld, seemingly driven to myriad acts of mindless violence. Something is evidently the cause of all this, providing a link between the escalating murder rate and the general feeling of unrest throughout the city’s nether regions. In a kind of X Files-meets-CSI type twist, Thomas soon winds up killer suspect numero uno, whereupon the quest to solve the murders, as well as exonerate his noble self, is pushed quite considerably up his to do list. From here, the game takes you through a variety of dimly-lit and run-down scenarios, as you endeavour to uncover the truth, whilst fighting off hordes of maniacal tramps, drug addicts, generally deranged folk and, not wanting to throw any spoilers in, other assorted foes.

At first glance, Condemned is every bit the typical first-person shooter we’ve come to know and love over the past few years. However, it’s not long before it becomes apparent that, while the ‘first’ and the ‘person’ are all well and good, the ‘shooter’ just doesn’t do it justice: in a rather novel twist to the genre, guns have been relegated - throughout most of the gameplay - in favour of a very-much unsurpassed array of ‘things which are good for hitting with’. And, by ‘unsurpassed’, we really mean it: pipes, lengths of 2x4, fire axes, crow bars, shovels (pang!!!), not to mention household and office peripherals such as locker doors, paper cutters and even desk drawers. Basically, if it’s not nailed down (and, actually, even if it is) you can quickly wield it and use it to crack some unruly adversary round the bonce. That’s not to say that standard weaponry has been omitted entirely - the game’s not without the usual array of firearms, such as pistols, shotguns and rifles; they’re just pretty thin on the ground and, in terms of ammo, the game makes Resident Evil look like an episode of The A Team.

Now it’s this concept that flips everything on its side somewhat, due to the fact that, unlike your standard FPS, you’re rarely given the comfort of hiding behind a well-stocked gun. Consequently, there’s very little hanging back, hiding or picking the bad bastards off from a safe distance (sniping is simply unheard of), so you’ve just got to roll your sleeves up, grab the nearest blunt, heavy object, and get fired in - not something that should be considered by the faint-hearted, as it makes for some seriously unnerving gameplay. Thankfully, however, you also have a few extra moves under your belt, aside from standard ‘press R trigger to hit things’ - clicking the L trigger pulls off a block which, if timed correctly, leaves you in good stance for a counter; your feet are also on hand for a good kicking session; and there’s also the inclusion of what can only be described as ‘fatalities’, which take the form of a variety of finishing moves, accessed via the directional pad, which become available once you’ve smacked someone (or something) up enough to render them to their knees. And let’s not forget the tazer! Just like any other honest, god-fearing American cop, you’re also armed with a rather handy little gadget, capable of turning blokes into vegetables via the wonderful means of electricity - a lifesaver in this game, believe us.