Word reached the highest levels of THQ today of a growing alien abduction and world domination conspiracy tied to a mysterious project ominously titled Destroy All Humans!. In collaboration with Pandemic Studios, developer of Full Spectrum Warrior, THQ is taking all prudent measures to thwart the invasion, including providing their unclassified intelligence to local civic organizations and to the population at large. While teams of top experts are still decrypting fresh information, THQ?s brass has indicated that they believe the Destroy All Humans! onslaught will strike Sony PlayStation 2 and Microsoft Xbox users across the globe in Spring 2005.
?We?re in the business of publishing cutting-edge video games, though if you?re at the right place at the right time, you sometimes get a chance to save the world too,? said Peter Dille, Sr. vice president worldwide marketing, THQ. ?When our teams uncovered this scheme to Destroy All Humans!, we felt it our civil duty to crack the conspiracy and save the planet.?
Unnamed sources close to Dille have described Destroy All Humans! as a program designed by hideous aliens to unleash an intergalactic arsenal of destructive weapons and frightening psychic powers to subdue their most feared enemy in the galaxy ? Mankind! Specialists at Pandemic who have intercepted and deciphered several alien transmissions claim the invaders are called ?Furons? and that a fierce little extraterrestrial warrior named ?Cryptosprodium-137? will carry out their first reconnaissance mission. His mission is to infiltrate our society, control us, harvest our brain stems and ultimately destroy us all.
?Scary, when you think about it,? comments Pandemic President Josh Resnick, himself a six-time alien abductee. ?I mean, if destroying the earth?s cities, abducting its citizens, and probing their minds to discover human weaknesses were all just some exciting new blast-happy destruction-fest for my Sony PlayStation2 or Microsoft Xbox, that would be one thing. But there?s much more to it than that. Once they get you, get inside your mind?well, all I?m saying is, before they take me next time the least they could do is buy me a drink.?
Top officials have promised additional details regarding Destroy All Humans! will be available at the Electronic Entertainment Expo, May 12-14 at the Los Angeles Convention Center. Until then, all citizens of Planet Earth are encouraged to remain calm and report any suspicious activities to their local THQ or Pandemic office immediately.