Features// The New Video Game Chickism

But nothing prepared her for what she found...

Posted 6 Feb 2009 10:20 by
Jessica Alba
Jessica Alba
GAME NAME: Sunken Femmes Shock:
GAME TYPE: Shoot-em-up/Puzzler.
CHARACTER NAME: Jo Jetstream:

Daughter of the Last King of Hollywood, she spends her days cruising the ruins of Beverly Hills, drinking in the Bleak Coffee Shop of the Soul. Loved by men and women alike, so fit she carries a chihuahua, she still looks to the ocean and believes there must be something more.

One day, she starts walking into the sea and just... never stops. All they found was a torn D&G dress and the sun-bleached remains of her diamond-encrusted clutch bag.

But nothing prepared her for what she found...

Living among the Sunken Femmes, she scours the ocean floor, searching for treasure and secrets. Who is her strange, puppet-like mother? What's with the guy in the orange chainmail on the seahorse who keeps following her around? Gliding along deep, ancient trenches, why does she only wear a bikini with the words, 'Kiss this, asshole' scrawled across her perfectly-formed behind?

Blending four-dimensional shoot 'em up action with intricate puzzle solving, Jo is the swimming man's answer to Lara.

PLAYED BY: Jessica Alba. We've seen her in a bikini before. If it looks like it works and, if it feels like it works, then it works.

Eva Mendes
Eva Mendes

GAME NAME: Alter Earth: Fall of Heroes:
GAME TYPE: Spacecraft Racing/FPS. (PC only).
CHARACTER NAME: Rocket Rae.

All she ever wanted to do was fly, so that's what she went and did. With all the other Space Heroes grounded by a world that no longer wants to dream, she might just be our last hope.

When Alter Earth is discovered hidden on the far side of the sun, she takes her marvellous zero point rocket, The Fury, to see what weirdness waits on the Earth that is not Earth. What she finds is a world that was once inhabited by beautiful alien princes and lizards that glide on wings of leather. But that was a long time ago... Now it's a world diseased by its own isolationism, inbred and ugly. With half the planet ravaged by a three hundred year war, the survivors need living space. They need somewhere to rebuild their broken population. They need Earth.

Donning her rocket pack and reaching for her brilliant flash pistols, she races across Alter Earth to uncover the mystery surrounding its link to the fall of the Space Heroes and looking for a way to stop its warped populace before they doom our world.

She'll enter any firefight with both guns blazing, near-suicidal daring and a smile on her face. Her leather flight suit keeps out the cold as she blasts through the sky at extreme velocities, but that doesn't mean there's no room for a little cleavage.

PLAYED BY: Eva Mendes. It's all about the bust.

Freida Pinto
Freida Pinto
GAME NAME: White Dwarf Huntress:
GAME TYPE: Surgery Simulation/Puzzle/Shooter. (Nintendo DS).
CHARACTER NAME: Doctor Bobbi. She's smarter than you.

Doctor Bobbi is a world-renowned micro-surgeon. She hunts for clues by traversing the alien landscape of the human body. Using the miracle science of White Dwarf Exploration, which she pioneered at the age of 16, she enters the bodies of victims of crime, determining how a victim was hurt and hunting down the nastiness that you can only see when you look really, really closely.

Marvel as she identifies exotic poisons! Thrill as she searches injuries for clues! But who is the diabolical genius who has been infecting his victims with nano technology? What is the hidden, violent nature of the Micro Killer who's been killing his victims from the inside out? And, more importantly, will Zack Fox, the handsome nurse with the impeccable bedside manner, ever notice her?

PLAYED BY: Freida Pinto. Star of Slumdog Millionaire. Look at the picture. 'Nuff said.


If you have any suggestions on how the games industry should fill Lara's sizeable boots, let us know (with pictures) in the Forum.


Images via wallpapers.dpics.org, Photo 111, freidapinto.com
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Comments

OptimusP 6 Feb 2009 10:43
1/7
If only Freud was alive, he would get such a kick out of reading this article.
"Yez...you zeem to have a affeczion vith zee...bustzs?"

On a related note, we need more elf chicks!
TimSpong 6 Feb 2009 11:47
2/7
OptimusP wrote:
If only Freud was alive, he would get such a kick out of reading this article.
"Yez...you zeem to have a affeczion vith zee...bustzs?"


For the record, I would like to make it clear that my nomination was for Frieda Pinto (great name for a great lady) - however, I told Mark that I wanted to play the character of Muriel Debenko, a translator at the United Nations in a game called Super Word Fight Fun Solid Zone Evil!.

OptimusP wrote:
On a related note, we need more elf chicks!


Not totally sure about that one:

more comments below our sponsor's message
Joji 6 Feb 2009 16:04
3/7
I don't know what's worse, this or a fan boy rant. Come on spong, this is lame.
TimSpong 6 Feb 2009 22:40
4/7
@Joji - write as well as Mark - and put into the PD - and you have a point. That feature was a pleasure to read let alone to edit.

Front up and do better.

Tim
rita poon 7 Feb 2009 17:01
5/7
Joji wrote:
I don't know what's worse, this or a fan boy rant. Come on spong, this is lame.


seconded. this is just a lame attempt, and a sexist one, to get more visitors isn't it. with games like Fear 2 and Resi Foive coimg up soon, you might have reviewed a real game and given us something INSIGHTFUL to read instead. garbage, boys, garbage.
TimSpong 9 Feb 2009 21:39
6/7
rita poon wrote:
seconded. this is just a lame attempt, and a sexist one, to get more visitors isn't it. with games like Fear 2 and Resi Foive coimg up soon, you might have reviewed a real game and given us something INSIGHTFUL to read instead. garbage, boys, garbage.


Again, read the words.

"She does what she does because out there is a world of broken women, and if she won't help them, if she doesn't take the cases the corrupt city police department won't, then who else will?"

and

"Slight, raven-haired and with a penchant for goth-wear, Ague is out of her depth and utterly terrified. But she's got a Big Scary Brain and a talent for the arcane, and she really didn't have anything better to do this afternoon, did she? All she wanted was a quiet place to listen to Joanna Newsom and read her bloody book."

and

"But nothing prepared her for what she found..."

And

"She'll enter any firefight with both guns blazing, near-suicidal daring and a smile on her face. Her leather flight suit keeps out the cold as she blasts through the sky at extreme velocities, but that doesn't mean there's no room for a little cleavage."

Oh... that was talking about cleavage... I will give you that. We should not mention cleavage.

Or cock size.

Anyway "...more importantly, will Zack Fox, the handsome nurse with the impeccable bedside manner, ever notice her?"

Anybody made it this far? Read the words?

I thought not.

Yours swearless - aware of the Oxford debates - (Cath Hall) - and less humourless than I thought I was

Tim


sue_raas 12 Feb 2009 15:38
7/7
rita poon wrote:

seconded. this is just a lame attempt, and a sexist one, to get more visitors isn't it


Just a minute, Carl. Have you ever met the fella what wrote this piece? He's not lame, but boy is he sexy!? As far as touting hot chicks as video game fodder is concerned, as top Welshman Keith Barron would have it, 'it's just a bit of fun'. Lighten up or 'butt out'. Heh!
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