Features// The New Video Game Chickism

A reboot simply might not work.

Posted 6 Feb 2009 10:20 by
What with Lara Croft getting rebooted, according to both Eidos and Hollywood, last week SPOnG took a look at who could play her in the next live action Tomb Raider film. This week we've decided that because a reboot simply might not work, it's time for us to help the world's developers out.

Frankly, it's about time we had some more strong female video game characters to take us even more deeply into the 21st century.

Sure we've got Faith from Mirror's Edge; Elika from Prince of Persia; yes, there's always Samus (for those who like the more elderly ladies); Zoe and Louise from Left4Dead; and there's Meryl Silverburgh from Metal Gear of course. None of them, however, really has the global star clout that Lara wields.

So, in order to short-cut the whole "media industry is interconnected" thing and to help out games devs, SPOnG has selflessly come up with a set of new female characters. Not only that but we've also nominated the actors we feel will best fit the roles. This latter element will - of course - enable better mo-cap and will also get the movie of the game in the works ASAP.

As ever, it's my task to do the hard work. So, here are the candidates for SPOnG's New Video Game Chicksim...

Scarlett Johansson
Scarlett Johansson

GAME NAME: Damned Close to Dead:
GAME TYPE: Open World Action. (Xbox 360 and PS3).

"The fog steals in over the city like a dark slime, coating everything around it in a deep grey gloom that's illuminated only by the brief flare that puts fire in my cigarette. I suck on cancer, letting myself forget for a moment that there's a girl lost in that dark monolith of art deco spires and vile crime before me. Taken by bad men who'd do her wrong, with only 24 hours to live. If I don't save her, who will??

CHARACTER NAME: Marlowe Rose: Daughter of a murdered police commissioner, she's a private eye. She's also a sex addict and a clenched female fist in a world of evil men. Inhabitant of a city where dawn never seems to come and sometimes her only solace comes from the hollow of a bottle.

She's all pulpy and noire yet modern and slick.

She does what she does because out there is a world of broken women, and if she won't help them, if she doesn't take the cases the corrupt city police department won't, then who else will?

A porcelain beauty with a foul mouth. The Woman in the Red Dress with a mean right hook and a shooter's eye. She'll wear pearls and lipstick to seduce you, but you'd damn well better not be surprised to see her in leather pants thigh-high boots when she kicks your ass...

PLAYED BY: Scarlett Johansson: A classic beauty. You've seen her in pulp roles before and it wouldn't hurt your eyeballs to see her making her way through a diseased city, gathering clues and punching bad guys in the brains.


Mary Elizabeth Winstead
Mary Elizabeth Winstead
GAME NAME: Myth Maiden:
GAME TYPE: Platform/Exploration (Wii only).
CHARACTER NAME:: Jocelyn Ague:

Nerd, library assistant and sometime-occultist, she knew that the Errant Collection in the Unreal University Library was a fulcrum of the strange, but knowing a thing's strangeness is not the same as Knowing It. It's not the same as knowing that thing is a point of softness in the Multiversal stack. It's not the same as knowing that sometimes, when soft things give way a little too much, monsters come through...

Now she must travel into the aberrant depths of the metaverse, binding The Mythicals ? story memes that form the overarching structures of fiction that define our existence ? and spiralling ever-closer to the rottenness at its dark, bleeding heart.

Slight, raven-haired and with a penchant for goth-wear, Ague is out of her depth and utterly terrified. But she's got a Big Scary Brain and a talent for the arcane, and she really didn't have anything better to do this afternoon, did she? All she wanted was a quiet place to listen to Joanna Newsom and read her bloody book...

PLAYED BY: Mary Elizabeth Winstead:. Because she is lovely, feminine and gets awesome geek cred for playing Ramona Flowers in the upcoming Scott Pilgrim movie.


Images via newcelebwatch and Maxim
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Comments

OptimusP 6 Feb 2009 10:43
1/7
If only Freud was alive, he would get such a kick out of reading this article.
"Yez...you zeem to have a affeczion vith zee...bustzs?"

On a related note, we need more elf chicks!
Tim Smith 6 Feb 2009 11:47
2/7
OptimusP wrote:
If only Freud was alive, he would get such a kick out of reading this article.
"Yez...you zeem to have a affeczion vith zee...bustzs?"


For the record, I would like to make it clear that my nomination was for Frieda Pinto (great name for a great lady) - however, I told Mark that I wanted to play the character of Muriel Debenko, a translator at the United Nations in a game called Super Word Fight Fun Solid Zone Evil!.

OptimusP wrote:
On a related note, we need more elf chicks!


Not totally sure about that one:

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Joji 6 Feb 2009 16:04
3/7
I don't know what's worse, this or a fan boy rant. Come on spong, this is lame.
Tim Smith 6 Feb 2009 22:40
4/7
@Joji - write as well as Mark - and put into the PD - and you have a point. That feature was a pleasure to read let alone to edit.

Front up and do better.

Tim
rita poon 7 Feb 2009 17:01
5/7
Joji wrote:
I don't know what's worse, this or a fan boy rant. Come on spong, this is lame.


seconded. this is just a lame attempt, and a sexist one, to get more visitors isn't it. with games like Fear 2 and Resi Foive coimg up soon, you might have reviewed a real game and given us something INSIGHTFUL to read instead. garbage, boys, garbage.
Tim Smith 9 Feb 2009 21:39
6/7
rita poon wrote:
seconded. this is just a lame attempt, and a sexist one, to get more visitors isn't it. with games like Fear 2 and Resi Foive coimg up soon, you might have reviewed a real game and given us something INSIGHTFUL to read instead. garbage, boys, garbage.


Again, read the words.

"She does what she does because out there is a world of broken women, and if she won't help them, if she doesn't take the cases the corrupt city police department won't, then who else will?"

and

"Slight, raven-haired and with a penchant for goth-wear, Ague is out of her depth and utterly terrified. But she's got a Big Scary Brain and a talent for the arcane, and she really didn't have anything better to do this afternoon, did she? All she wanted was a quiet place to listen to Joanna Newsom and read her bloody book."

and

"But nothing prepared her for what she found..."

And

"She'll enter any firefight with both guns blazing, near-suicidal daring and a smile on her face. Her leather flight suit keeps out the cold as she blasts through the sky at extreme velocities, but that doesn't mean there's no room for a little cleavage."

Oh... that was talking about cleavage... I will give you that. We should not mention cleavage.

Or cock size.

Anyway "...more importantly, will Zack Fox, the handsome nurse with the impeccable bedside manner, ever notice her?"

Anybody made it this far? Read the words?

I thought not.

Yours swearless - aware of the Oxford debates - (Cath Hall) - and less humourless than I thought I was

Tim


sue_raas 12 Feb 2009 15:38
7/7
rita poon wrote:

seconded. this is just a lame attempt, and a sexist one, to get more visitors isn't it


Just a minute, Carl. Have you ever met the fella what wrote this piece? He's not lame, but boy is he sexy!? As far as touting hot chicks as video game fodder is concerned, as top Welshman Keith Barron would have it, 'it's just a bit of fun'. Lighten up or 'butt out'. Heh!
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