So this is how I would change tired old game franchises to make them far more interesting in 2014.
Assassin’s Creed
How come whenever games are set in the past they’re always set, like, really far back in the past?
Things were rubbish in the olden days. They didn’t even have cars and that, so you either have to ride around on a horse or awkwardly jump from house to house while holding a trigger down.
Lets take a fresh look at the series and set them during the 2011 riots in Croydon. The whole point in the game is to save Reeves Furniture store from an arsonist but to do this you have to blend in with the rioters.
So you start off by looting some trainers and a TV and you work your way up to setting a bus on fire. You take down all the gang leaders one by one without being spotted and eventually save Reeves and the Mayor of Croydon gives you the key to the city, which you can chose to chuck in the bin or not.
There’s also a side quest in which you have to save a boy from having his PSP stolen.
There have been many wars covered by this popular series and of late they have been set in the near future. I think that maybe it’s time to go back to where the series began in order to recapture its magic.
You play as Lance-Corporal Jack Jones during the second world war. You’re in the Home Guard which is made up of old people and a fucking idiot. The majority of your play time is spent trying to tell people not to panic and mishearing them. You also run the local butchers.
I haven’t fully worked this out yet but you go to France at some point and have to help Rene try and get off with that French bird behind his wife’s back.
Achievement for pissing by the door and hearing a shit.
E3 2013
OK, so it’s still got to be football, hasn’t it? No getting around that one. But I find it strange that no football game has covered the most famous match of all time.
So It’s December 25th 1914. You’re playing as a central defender for the British Army. You’re doing well but you lose it a bit towards the end and break one of the German strikers legs so he has to be substituted. On comes a young Adolf Hitler.
Now, you have to decide what to do. Do you break the most incredible truce of all time and shoot the prick? Do you hack him down when he’s gone through one on one with the goalkeeper? Maybe you try and embarrass him in front of his team mates with a nutmeg.
The decision is yours and everything you do in the game will affect the course of history, which then plays out at the end of the game with Jeff Stelling narrating it.
E3 2013
God, it’s the same thing every time isn’t it? No story. No narrative. Nothing.
Well not in this year’s version of Just Dance. You play as that small boy/girl from Diversity. You're out one day, playing with your Pogs, when the grown up members invent a time machine and, because you’re the least important member, they make you try it out first.
Something goes wrong and you’re sent back to the wild west! After you’ve cried for your mummy for a bit you enter a bar and sit down only for some bad guys to come in. You know the type, the ones that grab hold of the women in the bar and spit on the floor like animals.
Intimidated by your hair they pull out a gun and start firing at your feet. This is where the dancing comes in. You must literally dance for your life. Do well and you capture the hearts of the bad guys who then travel around the west with you showing you off to other bandits and the like.
I find F1 extremely boring and the games that are based on it are worse.
So how about we set an F1 game way into the future with gravity defying courses and boosts strategically placed around them. Forget cars, lets use sort of hovering ships piloted by crazy characters, some monsters, some human.
Seeing as the vehicles will be faster than the current F1 cars there really is a simple name for this one. ‘Super Quick F1 Space Ships 2014’.
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That’s all I have for now. It’s frustrating because I’m a genius and none of this will have an impact on what we’ll see this year. CoD? Probably be a war set in the near future but this time you’ll have a cat or something.
Same shit different year.