Reviews// Tekken: Blood Vengeance

Posted 28 Jul 2011 12:00 by
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I think we?ve all resigned ourselves to the fact that all video game based movies are going to be absolutely dire and full of nonsense. Somehow, somewhere, someone thought that Tekken: Blood Vengeance would be different. It?s not.

We all used to think that the problem stemmed from film directors that didn?t have a grasp of the franchise they were handling. But Tekken series head Katsuhiro Harada was heavily involved in this one. What?s the excuse here? Well, the obvious - at the end of the day, a film?s competence boils down to narrative, and Tekken doesn?t have a story.

OK, it does, but nothing of considerable note. CG backstories in fighting games amount to nothing but limp excuses to pick up a controller and beat the snot out of your mate. Anna and Nina Williams? sibling (and professional) rivalry may look good between gameplay scenes, but it doesn?t translate well onto the silver screen.

The plot - your usual near-convoluted Japanese fare - involves a manhunt for rogue student Shin Kamiya, the sole survivor of a twisted human experiment to cultivate the man-made ?M? gene. Ever-warring father and son combo, Jin Kazama and Kazuya Mishima, fight over this kid as it appears this gene offers immortality to the host. Anna and Nina do their masters? bidding (Kazuya and Jin, respectively) between this by slapping each other about a bit.

Ling Xiaoyu gets involved by being forced to work for Anna as a teenage spy - aided by her trusty friend Panda - and has to bond, fight and work with android Alisa Bosconovitch (in that order - with a little robo-eroticism thrown in) to find out who?s really behind this power play, as Shin gets mysteriously kidnapped. All this happens while Alisa attempts to come to terms with and understand the will of the human being and blah blah blah.

By now you?re probably thinking that, due to the tone of this review, that Tekken: Blood Vengeance isn?t really worth your time. Far from it. It is. Citizen Kane it ain?t - hell, it struggles to hold a torch to Night at the Museum - but rather incredibly, it is really quite amazing in its crappiness.

From the second you see Anna and Nina talking and notice the atrocious lip sync, you can tell that this will be a film to remember. The localised dialogue is so awkward that there are unintentional double-entendres in every scene. An amazing stand-off between Shin, Jin, Kazuya and Heihachi brings with it so many homo-erotic undertones that it borders on comedic genius. Tears were shed in the theatre.

There?s also enough obligatory leg (and near panty) shots, pencil-thin skirts and low-cut tops to satisfy the Japanese otaku population too. In one scene, Xiaoyu puts her head on Alisa?s lap, sleepily and almost sensually moaning that she?s ?as warm as her refrigerator.? Woah.

Of course, it?s not all a massive lolfest - there are some genuinely good things to see in Tekken: Blood Vengeance too if you?re willing to sit through it. The animation is absolutely superb, and the fight scenes are excellently choreographed. You just have to ignore everything that leads up to these moments if you want to take the film seriously.

The CG benefits well from the stereoscopic 3D effects, and there are some brilliant - and intentional - comedy moments with Panda and Lee Chaolan too. Throw in a somewhat epic final battle sequence that seems to last forever and there?s enough legitimate goodness here to almost offset everything else. Almost, though. Not quite.

Watching this film feels like playing a localised Japanese game from 1997. For an Eastern audience, the dialogue and set-pieces would seem completely innocent. Dramatic, even. They love talking about destinies, bloodlines, the will of the human heart and all that shit. Here, it just sounds like cheesy innuendo.

Altogether, this is a film that?s so awkward in points that it defies mediocrity and enters self-parody. It?s a technically wondrous feat, but the dialogue puts it squarely in the ?so bad it?s good? territory. The best bit? You'll be able to pick up Blood Vengeance for essentially nothing if you consider it a freebie in the upcoming Tekken Hybrid Blu-ray release on PlayStation 3. Buy the disc for the HD Tekken Tag Tournament, and get this film gratis.

That?s really the only way I can recommend this film, and it?s a smart move of Namco Bandai to bundle the film as an extra in this manner. There?s no justifying a standalone purchase of this on DVD - but as a drunken distraction, it?s hilariously wonderful. For best results; get some mates round, drink loads of alcohol whilst playing a few rounds, then watch Blood Vengeance in your inebriated state. It?ll be difficult to top a night in like that.

Tekken: Blood Vengeance is scheduled to open at Japanese cinemas from 3rd September 2011. Namco Bandai has revealed it will be screened at select cinemas throughout the UK as well - stay tuned for updates.
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Comments

Beast 11 Aug 2011 11:36
1/12
Dude u need some f**kin sense of positivity !
Svend Joscelyne 11 Aug 2011 11:56
2/12
:) You DID read the article, right?
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Dragon 3 Sep 2011 19:43
3/12
Both previous Tekken movies anime and real i thought was really good, what is your opinion on those movies? then i can decide if its worth watching based on your opinion of those movies because this one is ment to top the other two.
OMGoshness 10 Sep 2011 13:11
4/12
I hope I can get to see this movie.... It looks so
EPIC
with Xiaoyu as the main character ;)))
Evil_Dragon 30 Nov 2011 13:48
5/12
This movie was amazing, specially the end fight was breath taking, wow hope they continue and make more movies like this, instead of real life action ones, i hate them.....
Slade 12 Dec 2011 05:34
6/12
You think fighting games have no story? Ever heard of Guilty Gear or BlazBlue?

Sheesh, fighting games are not just Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter.
Xiaoyu 4 Feb 2012 11:54
7/12
I love this movie, and you why?
because I'm the girl in this movie...yes! i'm the best in this... i'm the online one...i'm the best!

sorry for my bad english...By.Your Best Friend Xiaoyu
dan 2 Apr 2012 10:56
8/12
People seem to ignore the friendship between alisa and xiaoyu and refer to it as cheesy. To me thats a comliment to the maturity of the film young people dont appreciate
dan 2 Apr 2012 10:57
9/12
People seem to ignore the friendship between alisa and xiaoyu and refer to it as cheesy. To me thats a comliment to the maturity of the film young people dont appreciate
dan 2 Apr 2012 10:59
10/12
People seem to ignore the friendship between alisa and xiaoyu and refer to it as cheesy. To me thats a comliment to the maturity of the film young people dont appreciate
dan 2 Apr 2012 11:00
11/12
People seem to ignore the friendship between alisa and xiaoyu and refer to it as cheesy. To me thats a comliment to the maturity of the film young people dont appreciate
Steve 19 May 2012 21:05
12/12
gokudera / Saluations,oui comme viens de dire p-junk.Bonziplayer,Le fait de devoir payer le jeu en lui-meme est deja un intssviseement.Apres sur le fait que cette add-on n'est pas obligatoire et qu'il n'est qu'un bonus cela reste e0 prouver.Je vais te donner un exemple simple,concis et particulierement avec KOF XIII.Je m'explique sur plusieurs points tout d'abord on constate e0 l'achat du jeu et notamment dans l'option personnalisation que il restait trois cases manquantes et apres,on nous annonce CLAIREMENT que les persos seront deblocables en DLC avant la sortie du jeu!Donc,les personnages auraient pu etre directement dans le roster final!AVOUE que c'est quand meme du foutage de gueule pour nous cher CONsommateur .. L'exemple de prince of persia est criant! Avec un dlc qui propose de finir le jeu.C'est l'exemple absolu de l'escroquerie par excellence dans la lignee9 des grands artistes comme arsene lupin,christophe rocancourt,catwoman ou autres speculateurs.La,j'ai jamais vu un tel entubage.Je n'aime pas etre vulgaire.Mais la,ils nous la mettent bien la vaseline et bien profond en plus!C'est vrai que cette exemple n'est pas le plus democratise9 e0 la bonheur quoique avec les jeux EA sport dont j'ose meme pas imaginer leur politique plus que douteuse pour les annees e0 venir . D'autres exemples de jeux ou les errements des add-on sont plus qu'evidents ? Non,inutile,je pense que t'as bien compris que rien est totalement innocent Apres,il ne faut pas tomber non plus dans la psychose absolu.Il y'a des DLC de bonne qualite9 comme Red dead redemption avec un add-on remarquable ou on propose une nouvelle aventure e0 un prix interessant avec une politique toujours commercial.Mais avec,une envie de reellement prolonger l'aventure.Autre exemple qui risque d'etonner,mais c'est sur SSIV arcade edition.La strategie d'offrir differentes couleurs au personnages et aussi par la suite de proposer des costumes interessants et specifiques e0 chaque protagoniste e0 un prix raisonnable et je trouve que l'offre ajoute un cote9 personnalisation et artistique qui est plaisant voila,tout n'est pas noir non plus!Mais,on peut etre inquiet de la democratisation de cette strategie plus que douteuse comme je l'avais enumerer sur un autre forum.Le but absolu des editeurs n'est pas de connaitre leurs consommateurs,mais de DETRUIRE le marche de l'occasion et de controler le marche9 e0 100%!La DEMATERIALISATION,voila la detrmination absolu des editeurs.tu imagines 100% ..C'est le PARADIS! Imagine controle sur les prix et les differentes marges! Voila,sur un second point,moi j'ai entre 24 et 28 ans.Simplement,il peut m'arriver de regretter comme un gros con,la periode ou j'achetais mes jeux sans me soucier de ma carte bleue par la suite!C'etait l'epoque de la mise en bouche et de la seduction des consommateurs avec des editeurs qui se tenait la bourre!Des jeux de baston avec des casting impressionants,des RPG qui mettent l'eau e0 la bouche et des jeux de simulations sportives plus festives que jamais.Voila tout simplement.Apres des jeux chers,il y'en a toujours eu les cartouches de neo-geo par exemple ou bien des extensions qui coute cher la serie des street fighter II notamment.Voila,les editeurs.je leur jette pas la pierre. j'ai passe9 extremment de bons moments sur leurs differents jeux et je les remercie(eh,oui!).Mais,les derives comment e0 etre affligant avec des jeux qui ont de moins en moins de contenu avec la course e0 l'aveuglement et au profit.Donc,c'est e0 nous de leur rappeler que les jeux videos doivent rester attractif et plaisant.Bien sur,ils doivent se faire des profits tout le monde recherche son bien-etre Mais e0 force,de continuer sur cette voie-la.Les jeux videos finiront par devenir inaccessible au plus grand nombre et perdera tout son attractivite9 qui lui permet d'engendrer des profits.UNISSONS-NOUS,c'est la qu'on fera entendre notre voix!
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