Features// Girl Gamer: Heavenly Phwoared

After last column’s astonishingly homoerotic meet where I watched ten handsome, skinny lads whip off their tops after a few too many ciders, murder Queens of the Stone Age on Singstar and then (with my help) strip and, if not rape, certainly mentally cripple one of our number, it’s been refreshing to have some lady fun.

After all, we all like a bit of girl-on-girl – and what a girl! Thighs like nutcrackers, an English accent that I thought had become extinct shortly after the last world war and, according to my mate, a certain ‘horsey quality’ brought about by her ‘bootie thingies’ and ‘fetlocks’, snapping necks and breaking balls in an effort to keep the eponymous sword which may have cursed her into living a life in limbo.

Unhampered (much) by a pizza-related near-disaster we start cooing over the beautiful graphics and admiring the character designs. I speculate on how many cos-play outfits this is going to spawn but before I have time to voice this my friend has decided on her Halloween costume and is all set to whip out her make-up and have a go at the war paint.

Our Nariko’s certainly a very sprightly young lady when she’s not writhing around on the floor giving us a good gander at her norks, but then, if I could move like that I’d be rolling and leaping all over the place. Asda can count their lucky stars I’m a driver not a gymnast else I’d be a huge liability in the spirits section.

The uber-violent flinging yourself about with a sword is definitely easier than he twing-twang. In the most sexist way possible this game seems to be made for girls: attractive costumes, huge weaponry, and the most amount of button bashery I’ve ever seen! Which increases her recovery time! I nearly cried with joy!

The special moves have us releasing little ‘ooh!’s and ‘ahh!’s in perfect unison before being quickly succeeded by the rather more aggressive cries of ‘eat it!’, ‘come on if you want it!’ and a ‘yeah you better run!’ Harold Zoid would be proud of.

I’m just commenting on the very sudden jumps to cut scenes when it becomes evident that it’s the telly’s fault – blacking out the friction. Luckily, I don’t mind restrictions, I keep playing and manage to send my cannonball into a weak spot for the obligatory massive damage even whilst blinded.